My car and my virtues
Jan. 11th, 2007 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
featherynscaleAsmodeus (my 160,000 mile, four-wheeled companion) has developed a hitch in his transmission, which is expressed by a general unwillingness to shift into fifth gear. He will eventually shift, and does not make a horrible CLUNK when he does, but where he used to transition smoothly to fifth at about 55 mph, he now whines and revs and finally turns over at about 62.
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diermuid has suggested that he might be in need of more transmission fluid. I was having that thought myself, and will be giving that solution a test this evening. I am not keen on the idea that he might have hit the distinguished age where a rebuild or replacement of the tranny will be required. For lo, I will have a difficult time finding the money for that all at the same time, and also, it will not be easy to leave him at the mechanic's for an extended period of time. It's doable, but unpleasant to contemplate.
That's the rational piece. The irrational piece is that I know there is no way in all the worlds that I can get a loan for a new car right now, and also, affording a car payment on top of my other obligations is at least improbably and may be impossible. It is vital that Asmodeus should continue to run for at least another 5 years (which would be when the bankruptcy filing comes off) and simultaneously unlikely that he will live that long. So I'm a little concerned. I worry that I will be left without a vehicle at all someday, and will then have to give up my job and work at the grocer's down the road for minimum wage and that my family and I will starve and die. The vehicle is a linchpin in the arrangement of my life. If it goes, I worry that everything else I have will go as well.
I've built this script on a careful observation of all the people I have ever known who were unable to hold their own shit together, who couldn't manage any of what I think of as basic life skills. They were unemployed and unemployable, they owed more money than I could imagine to more people than I could count, they slept on couches and looked for potential "partners" who would feed, clothe, and take care of them, and without such scams running, were pretty much homeless, helpless, and hopeless (though being in Greenland was optional). I look at those people and think, "My gods, how can you stand to be like that? How did you get to that place in your life?". And although I try to keep an understanding that people who can't manage their own shit can't manage their own shit because they are worthless, lazy, or mentally unequipped to deal with the world, I always have been afraid that I am worthless, lazy, and mentally unequipped to deal with the world, and that the only reason I ever could manage anything at all is because I have been lucky, my life has been easy, and people have always helped me. And I worry that if my luck doesn't hold, I'll become one of those people too.
So if the car goes, if I am unlucky, what happens? I am not prepared for it. Which brings me to my virtue of the week, which is self-reliance. Although all of my virtues are things that I find important and things that I am committed to, this is probably the Big One. This is, of course, based partially on my fear that it's a thing I don't do very well, but there it is.
I'm coming to the realization that a lot of self-reliance is not only about being able to do the thing that needs to be done when it needs to be done, but more about having prepared oneself, having learned the right skills, having made the right decisions, having cultivated the right resources, and so on, to do the thing that needs to be done. I'm seeing a huge component of thinking about what things will need to be done someday, so that the preparations can be made in advance. And that's the part of this virtue that I need the most work in, I think. Not just 'make enough money to pay the bills' (although that's important, too), but 'spend your money wisely enough to set some aside'. Not just 'know how to build a fence, [or repair your home, or, say, refinish a basement]', but 'cultivate relationships that will support your work'. Not just 'be able to cook a meal that will feed you and your family' but maybe 'plant a garden so you have food to cook, even if you can't afford groceries'. And so on.
So I'm looking to do more work on that aspect of self-reliance in the coming months. I'm already doing some of it. Part of this practice is doing things that don't have an immediate payoff, but will pay off sometime in the future, when needed most. That's my plan, anyway.
diermuid has suggested that he might be in need of more transmission fluid. I was having that thought myself, and will be giving that solution a test this evening. I am not keen on the idea that he might have hit the distinguished age where a rebuild or replacement of the tranny will be required. For lo, I will have a difficult time finding the money for that all at the same time, and also, it will not be easy to leave him at the mechanic's for an extended period of time. It's doable, but unpleasant to contemplate. That's the rational piece. The irrational piece is that I know there is no way in all the worlds that I can get a loan for a new car right now, and also, affording a car payment on top of my other obligations is at least improbably and may be impossible. It is vital that Asmodeus should continue to run for at least another 5 years (which would be when the bankruptcy filing comes off) and simultaneously unlikely that he will live that long. So I'm a little concerned. I worry that I will be left without a vehicle at all someday, and will then have to give up my job and work at the grocer's down the road for minimum wage and that my family and I will starve and die. The vehicle is a linchpin in the arrangement of my life. If it goes, I worry that everything else I have will go as well.
I've built this script on a careful observation of all the people I have ever known who were unable to hold their own shit together, who couldn't manage any of what I think of as basic life skills. They were unemployed and unemployable, they owed more money than I could imagine to more people than I could count, they slept on couches and looked for potential "partners" who would feed, clothe, and take care of them, and without such scams running, were pretty much homeless, helpless, and hopeless (though being in Greenland was optional). I look at those people and think, "My gods, how can you stand to be like that? How did you get to that place in your life?". And although I try to keep an understanding that people who can't manage their own shit can't manage their own shit because they are worthless, lazy, or mentally unequipped to deal with the world, I always have been afraid that I am worthless, lazy, and mentally unequipped to deal with the world, and that the only reason I ever could manage anything at all is because I have been lucky, my life has been easy, and people have always helped me. And I worry that if my luck doesn't hold, I'll become one of those people too.
So if the car goes, if I am unlucky, what happens? I am not prepared for it. Which brings me to my virtue of the week, which is self-reliance. Although all of my virtues are things that I find important and things that I am committed to, this is probably the Big One. This is, of course, based partially on my fear that it's a thing I don't do very well, but there it is.
I'm coming to the realization that a lot of self-reliance is not only about being able to do the thing that needs to be done when it needs to be done, but more about having prepared oneself, having learned the right skills, having made the right decisions, having cultivated the right resources, and so on, to do the thing that needs to be done. I'm seeing a huge component of thinking about what things will need to be done someday, so that the preparations can be made in advance. And that's the part of this virtue that I need the most work in, I think. Not just 'make enough money to pay the bills' (although that's important, too), but 'spend your money wisely enough to set some aside'. Not just 'know how to build a fence, [or repair your home, or, say, refinish a basement]', but 'cultivate relationships that will support your work'. Not just 'be able to cook a meal that will feed you and your family' but maybe 'plant a garden so you have food to cook, even if you can't afford groceries'. And so on.
So I'm looking to do more work on that aspect of self-reliance in the coming months. I'm already doing some of it. Part of this practice is doing things that don't have an immediate payoff, but will pay off sometime in the future, when needed most. That's my plan, anyway.
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Date: 2007-01-11 08:05 pm (UTC)Sounds a lot like what I took my car in for, which turned out to be the Catalytic Converter was old enough that it started melting, which plugs the holes for the emissions gases to escape, which prevents the car from doing a lot of stuff, and eventually caused my EGK-something-er-other to break, which gave me my 'Service Engine Soon' light. Also killed my gas millage. When it was broken, I got about 230 miles to the tank, and now that it's fixed, I'm getting around 370. Not sure if it's the same thing you're seeing, but it sounds awfully suspicious.
I always have been afraid that I am worthless, ...[irrational fears]...And I worry that if my luck doesn't hold, I'll become one of those people too.
And the fact that it's a worry of yours is a great sign you won't become one of those people.
I've had a very similar worry my entire life, and I've found that part of my peace of mind (that I'm not all those adjectives) is that I have managed to get safety nets in place in case that string of bad luck ones into play. Nets that I can bounce off to get back on my own feet. Nets like 'Parents' and 'Close Friends I've Helped Who Will Help Me In Return'.