My car and my virtues
Jan. 11th, 2007 11:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
featherynscaleAsmodeus (my 160,000 mile, four-wheeled companion) has developed a hitch in his transmission, which is expressed by a general unwillingness to shift into fifth gear. He will eventually shift, and does not make a horrible CLUNK when he does, but where he used to transition smoothly to fifth at about 55 mph, he now whines and revs and finally turns over at about 62.
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diermuid has suggested that he might be in need of more transmission fluid. I was having that thought myself, and will be giving that solution a test this evening. I am not keen on the idea that he might have hit the distinguished age where a rebuild or replacement of the tranny will be required. For lo, I will have a difficult time finding the money for that all at the same time, and also, it will not be easy to leave him at the mechanic's for an extended period of time. It's doable, but unpleasant to contemplate.
That's the rational piece. The irrational piece is that I know there is no way in all the worlds that I can get a loan for a new car right now, and also, affording a car payment on top of my other obligations is at least improbably and may be impossible. It is vital that Asmodeus should continue to run for at least another 5 years (which would be when the bankruptcy filing comes off) and simultaneously unlikely that he will live that long. So I'm a little concerned. I worry that I will be left without a vehicle at all someday, and will then have to give up my job and work at the grocer's down the road for minimum wage and that my family and I will starve and die. The vehicle is a linchpin in the arrangement of my life. If it goes, I worry that everything else I have will go as well.
I've built this script on a careful observation of all the people I have ever known who were unable to hold their own shit together, who couldn't manage any of what I think of as basic life skills. They were unemployed and unemployable, they owed more money than I could imagine to more people than I could count, they slept on couches and looked for potential "partners" who would feed, clothe, and take care of them, and without such scams running, were pretty much homeless, helpless, and hopeless (though being in Greenland was optional). I look at those people and think, "My gods, how can you stand to be like that? How did you get to that place in your life?". And although I try to keep an understanding that people who can't manage their own shit can't manage their own shit because they are worthless, lazy, or mentally unequipped to deal with the world, I always have been afraid that I am worthless, lazy, and mentally unequipped to deal with the world, and that the only reason I ever could manage anything at all is because I have been lucky, my life has been easy, and people have always helped me. And I worry that if my luck doesn't hold, I'll become one of those people too.
So if the car goes, if I am unlucky, what happens? I am not prepared for it. Which brings me to my virtue of the week, which is self-reliance. Although all of my virtues are things that I find important and things that I am committed to, this is probably the Big One. This is, of course, based partially on my fear that it's a thing I don't do very well, but there it is.
I'm coming to the realization that a lot of self-reliance is not only about being able to do the thing that needs to be done when it needs to be done, but more about having prepared oneself, having learned the right skills, having made the right decisions, having cultivated the right resources, and so on, to do the thing that needs to be done. I'm seeing a huge component of thinking about what things will need to be done someday, so that the preparations can be made in advance. And that's the part of this virtue that I need the most work in, I think. Not just 'make enough money to pay the bills' (although that's important, too), but 'spend your money wisely enough to set some aside'. Not just 'know how to build a fence, [or repair your home, or, say, refinish a basement]', but 'cultivate relationships that will support your work'. Not just 'be able to cook a meal that will feed you and your family' but maybe 'plant a garden so you have food to cook, even if you can't afford groceries'. And so on.
So I'm looking to do more work on that aspect of self-reliance in the coming months. I'm already doing some of it. Part of this practice is doing things that don't have an immediate payoff, but will pay off sometime in the future, when needed most. That's my plan, anyway.
diermuid has suggested that he might be in need of more transmission fluid. I was having that thought myself, and will be giving that solution a test this evening. I am not keen on the idea that he might have hit the distinguished age where a rebuild or replacement of the tranny will be required. For lo, I will have a difficult time finding the money for that all at the same time, and also, it will not be easy to leave him at the mechanic's for an extended period of time. It's doable, but unpleasant to contemplate. That's the rational piece. The irrational piece is that I know there is no way in all the worlds that I can get a loan for a new car right now, and also, affording a car payment on top of my other obligations is at least improbably and may be impossible. It is vital that Asmodeus should continue to run for at least another 5 years (which would be when the bankruptcy filing comes off) and simultaneously unlikely that he will live that long. So I'm a little concerned. I worry that I will be left without a vehicle at all someday, and will then have to give up my job and work at the grocer's down the road for minimum wage and that my family and I will starve and die. The vehicle is a linchpin in the arrangement of my life. If it goes, I worry that everything else I have will go as well.
I've built this script on a careful observation of all the people I have ever known who were unable to hold their own shit together, who couldn't manage any of what I think of as basic life skills. They were unemployed and unemployable, they owed more money than I could imagine to more people than I could count, they slept on couches and looked for potential "partners" who would feed, clothe, and take care of them, and without such scams running, were pretty much homeless, helpless, and hopeless (though being in Greenland was optional). I look at those people and think, "My gods, how can you stand to be like that? How did you get to that place in your life?". And although I try to keep an understanding that people who can't manage their own shit can't manage their own shit because they are worthless, lazy, or mentally unequipped to deal with the world, I always have been afraid that I am worthless, lazy, and mentally unequipped to deal with the world, and that the only reason I ever could manage anything at all is because I have been lucky, my life has been easy, and people have always helped me. And I worry that if my luck doesn't hold, I'll become one of those people too.
So if the car goes, if I am unlucky, what happens? I am not prepared for it. Which brings me to my virtue of the week, which is self-reliance. Although all of my virtues are things that I find important and things that I am committed to, this is probably the Big One. This is, of course, based partially on my fear that it's a thing I don't do very well, but there it is.
I'm coming to the realization that a lot of self-reliance is not only about being able to do the thing that needs to be done when it needs to be done, but more about having prepared oneself, having learned the right skills, having made the right decisions, having cultivated the right resources, and so on, to do the thing that needs to be done. I'm seeing a huge component of thinking about what things will need to be done someday, so that the preparations can be made in advance. And that's the part of this virtue that I need the most work in, I think. Not just 'make enough money to pay the bills' (although that's important, too), but 'spend your money wisely enough to set some aside'. Not just 'know how to build a fence, [or repair your home, or, say, refinish a basement]', but 'cultivate relationships that will support your work'. Not just 'be able to cook a meal that will feed you and your family' but maybe 'plant a garden so you have food to cook, even if you can't afford groceries'. And so on.
So I'm looking to do more work on that aspect of self-reliance in the coming months. I'm already doing some of it. Part of this practice is doing things that don't have an immediate payoff, but will pay off sometime in the future, when needed most. That's my plan, anyway.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 06:34 pm (UTC)As for a simple comment - if one wants to find a Drag Queen, Missie B's is the place. But where does one find Trannys (other than the internet?)
And no, this have nothing to do with my uber-queer status, not my discussion with ?? about the beautiful eyeshadow they do... I simply have a void in my "know everything-ness" that needed to be filled. 8-)
no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 07:05 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 08:05 pm (UTC)Sounds a lot like what I took my car in for, which turned out to be the Catalytic Converter was old enough that it started melting, which plugs the holes for the emissions gases to escape, which prevents the car from doing a lot of stuff, and eventually caused my EGK-something-er-other to break, which gave me my 'Service Engine Soon' light. Also killed my gas millage. When it was broken, I got about 230 miles to the tank, and now that it's fixed, I'm getting around 370. Not sure if it's the same thing you're seeing, but it sounds awfully suspicious.
I always have been afraid that I am worthless, ...[irrational fears]...And I worry that if my luck doesn't hold, I'll become one of those people too.
And the fact that it's a worry of yours is a great sign you won't become one of those people.
I've had a very similar worry my entire life, and I've found that part of my peace of mind (that I'm not all those adjectives) is that I have managed to get safety nets in place in case that string of bad luck ones into play. Nets that I can bounce off to get back on my own feet. Nets like 'Parents' and 'Close Friends I've Helped Who Will Help Me In Return'.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 11:02 pm (UTC)Posit 1: even if Asmodeus cannot make it for five years, you will not need to buy a new car. You will only need to buy a car that will last 5-minus-X years (where X is the remaining time on Asmodeus), which should be more financially plausible than a new car. After that, the bankruptcy will be gone and you will be able to apply for a loan to get a more permanent car.
Posit 2: as a former grocery employee, I can attest that if you are working at a grocery store and you manage to starve and die, you are doing something wrong :-)
You forgot...
Date: 2007-01-12 03:48 pm (UTC)The question isn't whether you can get knocked down--and working to avoid that is a very good thing, yes--but whether you get back up afterwards. If you care to expand your horizons a bit, let's talk. I know a tale of a man who was homeless with an infant at one time....
mmmm
Date: 2007-01-18 02:05 am (UTC)I would also point out (knowing nothing of your past) that your life possibly having been easy & people helping you is more likely the result of your own virtues than the product of circumstance (ie good luck is the residue of good planning/you are the kind of person who people are willing to help). And on that note: --if Asmodeus dies in the next six months let me know. I am currently in the possession of a 93 Toyota Carrola wagon soon to have a brand new clutch (installed by me) with which I could part for the cost of getting it to KC and dinner. Also I have a 96 Nissan Altima with a replacement engine --also installed by me (75k on engine, 80k on frame) which I could part with for under around 1000. Anyway, sounds like it could very well be a fluid level issue, or even electronic one (is it a honda?). Or it could be a clutch pack in which case you're screwed. Best of luck.
Re: mmmm
Date: 2007-01-18 03:01 am (UTC)You are, of course, welcome to quote as you like. Also, I deeply appreciate the car offers. I have not yet been able to have the old boy brought in for diagnostics, but I am fully aware that all things return to dust in the end, it's only a question of when.
And of course, you are welcome to come by and visit any time, without regard to car deliveries.
Re: mmmm
Date: 2007-01-18 03:46 am (UTC)