More Family Fun

[featherynscale]

The sister's wedding situation continues to degenerate.

Now, not only do I have to visit with my father's side of the family on that weekend, I also have to meet my mom and stepfather, and visit both of their families too. Oh boy, a whirlwind tour of guilt-trips and lectures on how disappointing I am to everyone. The hits just keep coming.

Also in the conversation where I discovered this, Mom says to me what is possibly the most astoundingly rude thing she has ever said to me. She says, "I need to tell you something. Your father is in the roofing business." And I say, "Yes, I know that." So she says, "The roofing business in Central Florida is making people rich -- he's got a lot of money these days." And I say, "Good on him, he probably needs it, seeing as he's putting A through college and paying for her wedding, and W just graduated from high school, so he'll be putting her through college shortly." And then she says, "So while you're down there, you should ask him for money. He's got plenty of money, and he'll just give it to the other kids anyway."

It's one of those moments where I can't believe that someone has just said what they have just said. In my family, we hardly ever talk about money -- it's rude. And this from someone who mostly kept me away from that side of the family until I turned 18, by which time it was really too late to form a normal parent-child sort of relationship. My father has discharged any obligations he might have had to me. He doesn't owe me anything. We seldom even see each other. He's got four more kids to take care of (two of which are his, and two of which are his current wife's from a previous marriage) and who do all have a fairly normal relationship to him. I have no claim on him -- I'm probably not even in his will.

So yeah. Add this incident to the previously existing dread, and the contemplation of things I'll be missing in KC, and it is not difficult to see why I don't particularly want to do this trip.

EDIT: First hurdle, er, hurdled. Talked D(at Work) into going out and picking out an outfit for me. Bought a black and tan pantsuit with a mandarin-style top, which astoundingly does not look like a maternity outfit on me. Very nice, if a bit more than I really wanted to spend. D(at Work) then informed me that it would not at all go with any of the shoes I own, "especially not boots". So tomorrow, we are going to go buy some shoes to match.

Comments

[rougewench.livejournal.com]

Perhaps this trip should be used for a quiet, but potent "fuck you all, take me as I am or don't see my face again..."

No one should be made to feel as you feel by those related to them.


D.

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

There is that possibility. It's very delicate though, because I don't want to do anything that will shadow my sister's wedding day. She's a good kid, but I know that she was raised to think that this day is the completion of her most important goal in life, and all of that. Still, something somewhere has got to give.

Thank you.

[rougewench.livejournal.com]

My dear, survive the wedding. Leave any such comment to the end of the weekend or the end of each experience.

Take someone aside, and lay down the law. Tell them this weekend was a test and as far as you're concerned they failed it. That from this point forward, your family consists of those who actually love you and actually behave toward you in a respectful manner. And that until they can do so, they have no place in your life.


D.

[celticwhistlin.livejournal.com]

I agree. I had a similar thing happen when I went down to Arkansas a few weeks ago for my cousin's funeral. I basically told my Mother I was fed up with her family treating me *AND* her that way and I wasn't going to take it anymore. She told me that the only way to keep the peace was for me and her to take it. I said, "I love you and I'm sorry but, I'm not taking anymore of their shit." And I tore my Aunt a new asshole by the end of that week. After the funeral of course. I waited until my cousin's Mom had left.

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

Yeesh. It is a mortal fear of mine that I will spend my children's adult lives saying and doing things that I am convinced are in their best interests, but which are done completely out of love, that are, in fact, rude, patronizing, condescending, and just plain wrong. I hope it's not inevitable.

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

I have yet to witness you doing anything rude, patronizing or condescending when that is not your intent. I think you'll be fine. Besides which, I know your children and have no doubt that they will call it to your attention if you should happen to slip. :)

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

When it is my intent, however . . . different story. :-)

Still, my mother is the same way. None of it is, as you say, intended. That's what makes it so tricky to avoid, should one, as the mother, want to. It's also what makes it well nigh impossible for the child to counter. You, for instance, can't very well say "Mom, that was unspeakably horrible, what you just said" because she's just looking out for you to get what she thinks you "deserve." Moms tend to lose their religion over things like that where their babies are concerned. And even if you're right, which you are, you still come off as an ungrateful little snot, which you aren't.

It's probably a southern thing. In which case, my children might well be doomed after all.

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

The not being able to call them on it is certainly a southern thing -- the whole subculture is obsessed with face. And simultaneously with a claws-out, no-holds-barred struggle to appear somehow more perfect than everyone else. Fairly appalling, really.

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

Yep. That's it in a nutshell. We leave for Atlanta on Monday for a wedding, as well. We'll have to trade war stories when we get back. When's your date with doom?

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

I'll be gone the 17th-19th.
But the games begin today, as I have nothing which is suitable to wear to an outdoor wedding in June. Shocking, isn't it, that I'm not the light summer dress type? And shoes. I own one pair of dress shoes, of which I can only find the left one.

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

La Greca was assuming she'd wear her chemise and bodice to the wedding. At a Baptist church. We laughed and laughed and laughed.

We've ruint her.

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Heh. I'd like to wear my garb to the wedding -- it's attractive, summery, and doesn't require me to buy new shoes.

But er, no, probably not.

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

If I can find another dress this year that's like my goldy-brown one that I got at the Games last year, the goldy-brown one will be available. I'll know by Saturday. If I can'tfind one in another color as I would like to, I'll have to use that one. That's about my limit of suitable summer wedding attire, as well.

[saffronhare.livejournal.com]

mercy, mercy, mercy.

Regretfully, my wardrobe-building skills are sorely lacking. Perhaps if you offer to purchase frozen concoctions for breathofgold, she would help you find something fabulous? Really, many of our mutual friends would be worthy allies -- but this sort of shopping will go down much easier if you can have drinkies with lunch and then ramble through the stores, dripping wit and venom.

Are you going to buy a hat, too? ::smirk::

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

It would certainly be funnier if I bought a hat. But I was really considering whether or not to shave my head.

Oh... just gave

[lightonthesill.livejournal.com]

a very southern *pink* hat to Princess Bordom. Perhaps she would loan it to you. (even has a flower on it) ....(my mother gave it to me) hee hee Lemme know if I can be of any assistance...

Snork

[opaljax.livejournal.com]

I totally think you should shave your head. And buy a hat. I'm really no help at all, am I?? :D

Re: Snork

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Helpful like anything, you are.

[lightonthesill.livejournal.com]

Yep - that's the bitch of it... and when attacking from straight on... one is often met with either 1. ::blink::blink:: "I don't know what you are talking about" or 2. Blinding rage which hardly seems worth wading through.

May the force be with you m'dear.

[celticwhistlin.livejournal.com]

To me the difference is, you are communicating with and providing appropriate information to your children *NOW*. In the future, one can only assume that what you have done to them, for them, by them in the past will continue in the future. That's the thing with my family. My Mother tells me the same crap now that she did back then. It's the same shit different day. The difference between then and now... ME. I have changed. I do not think you have to worry that what you will say or how you will say it will change, it is how they percieve it that may change and therefore, THEN make you the bad guy. :-)

sucks goats

[rio-luna.livejournal.com]

immensely. hang in.

Re: sucks goats

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Doing the best I can, at this point.

Incidentally, I saw something the other day that reminded me much of you, and have decided that you must have it. Also remembered that there is another thing that I went through a similar process with that is still sitting on my dresser from like, Yule. Will attempt to correct this soonly.

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

Does your sister know the problems you've got with the family? Would she be ok with you just coming for the wedding ceremony, maybe the stuff after and then getting the hell out of there and skipping the family stuff? Because it sounds like the only good thing here is attending her wedding, and the rest can go hang.

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, it's an out-of-town experience. I'm flying in on Friday night, going to the wedding Saturday night, and then couldn't get a decent flight out until Sunday afternoon. So there's a lot of time to fill, and all that. Otherwise, that's exactly what I'd do.

[kcwitch.livejournal.com]

shopping without me? :(

[featherynscale.livejournal.com]

Lately, I've been in a sort of mode where if it doesn't get done before 5:00, it doesn't get done. So most all errand-running has been reassigned to lunch breaks.

[kcwitch.livejournal.com]

totally understandable. i have days free now but also have kids so i am no fun at all.