Wondrous Apparitions, Provided by Magicians.

I'm just remembering this afternoon something that never fails to crack my shit up. One day, when I was in high school (or perhaps junior high), for some reason a lovely and stupid girl was totally unloading her personal woes on me. At the height of this bitch session about how everyone betrayed her and treated her badly, she looked at me and said in perfect sincerity:
"I envy you, because you'll always know that your friends aren't your friends because of your looks or your money."

Boy, that's as true today as it ever was then. (Some of you may have heard this story before, and I apologize for boring you with it again. To me, this is funny every time.)

So to take a break from the sheer unreasonableness at the office, I walk down the street to the little burger-and-fries cafe that I lunch at a lot. The owner and I chat a bit, then she says to me, "Does your brother come in here?".

I say, "No."

She replies, "Well, then you could pass for your brother."

I say, "That's a neat trick, because I don't have one."

So either I sometimes seem to be a male-type person when I come in, or there's some other poor bastard in Northtown who looks like me. I'd like to believe that it's the former, because it spares the other hypothetical poor bastard some pain, but I know that the best I can do on that score is that when I'm wrapped in 30 pounds of greatkilt, I can pass at 30 feet. So whoever you are, man, I'm sorry.

EDIT: Regrettably, I did not think to ask whether he had a tongue ring.

In which the list gets longer, but doesn't get any better.

See, this morning, I was looking in the mirror, and it dawned on me. I have a face like a frog. I said as much to triadruid, who was just getting out of the shower.

"Hrm...,"he mused, "Yeah, you kind of do look like a frog. Mr. Frog."
"Who's Mr. Frog?" I ask.
Him: "The guy from The Wind in the Willows. With the sportscar."
Me: "Mr. Toad?"
Him: "Yeah. You kind of look like Mr. Toad. Or... um... the guy on DangerMouse, sometimes.... Cyrus? Silas?"
Me: "Baron Greenback!?!"
Him: "Yeah. Him. But only when you smile."
Me: "Here's a hint, buddy. If you want to get laid, the way not to go about it is to tell your girlfriend she looks like Baron Greenback. I mean, you can probably say that to your wife, since I don't think she knows who Baron Greenback is..."
Him: "Only a little. I mean, you're not green, and you don't wear a suit."
Me: ::smack!:: "Well, I guess it's better than Aleister Crowley."
Him: "It's kind of the same. I think like Mr. Toad + Aleister Crowley = Baron Greenback."

Ah, well. I suppose we all know the gods did not shape me and place me on this earth to be ornamental.