featherynscale | Ah, SantaFlaunt...

A perfect opportunity for pirate santa filk. (Look, I have learned to leave out the "/", as pirate/santa filk is apparently something completely different, and possibly even more offensive than what I have already generated this morning.)

Fifteen elves on a ruined toy chest
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
Spiked eggnog had done for the rest
Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum
One run over by a child’s bike
One was crushed, poor little tyke
In a pile of toys that lay just like
It’d tumbled down from the workshop shelves &
There they lay, all good dead elves
In that pile of toys they’d built themselves
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen elves on the workshop’s floor
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
Who won’t be building toys no more
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
And this elf had no time to gloat
O’er braining his fellow with a bathtub boat
For a Slinky’s coiled around his throat and
‘Twas toy on toy, an epic fight
That raged all day and into night
Till none was left that could stand upright
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen elves on an assembly line
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
Whose entrails now are intertwined
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
One choked on a dolly’s head
He doesn’t look so jolly, dead
And the snow is painted holly red and
There’s an elf, ah, damn my eyes
One hand stretched out for Rudolph’s thighs
With a hoof in his head, cuz that’s just not wise
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen elves pierced through and through
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
Who knew what damage jacks could do?
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
There was chest on chest of finished toy
That will never go to girl or boy
For the elves have learned how to destroy
The North Pole rang with murderous glee,
And this one thing, I can guarantee
You don’t want to know where they put the tree
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum

Fifteen elves on a ruined toy chest
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
Spiked eggnog had done for the rest
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum
So we wrapped the place in paper tight
And tied it up with ribbons bright
And then we set the shop alight, with a
Ho, ho, ho, and a fare you well
And the ringing of a silver bell,
This is how we know there are elves in hell…
Ho, ho, ho and a bottle of rum