Where I'm Coming From, and Why I Screw You Over

[featherynscale]

From a locked post somewhere:

She Says: My real problem (I think) is that I trust people to treat me the way that I try to treat them.

I Say: Oh hell, that never works. It presupposes that they are like you, and they're not. That's the whole damned problem with the Golden Rule -- it assumes that what I think is good treatment is the same as what you think is good treatment. You can completely be in compliance with this thing that is supposed to be the Backbone of All Real Religions, and still screw other people over because you think you're doing the right thing, but it still feels wrong to them.

I Want to Say: You know, that's one of the big reasons why nobody ever thinks they're the bad guy. Either they're trying to treat you like they want to be treated and totally not grasping that it's not the way you want to be treated, or you're doing the same thing to them, and it wounds them and they want to get back at you for it. Nobody ever says, "Hey, there's a person who has done me no wrong! I'm gonna go fuck them over!". Instead, we say "Hey, this person is having a problem, I'm going to go help them by ________", where the blank may be filled by any number of behaviors which are profoundly unsuitable. Then, you get to follow it up with "Hey! I tried to help them and they got mad! Ungrateful so-and-so, see if I am ever nice to you again!".

I understand that, absent the ability to read each other's minds, and without the depth of communication that makes mind-reading an obsolete concept, this is the best we can do. But why can't we see that this is the best we can do and sometimes it still goes wrong?

Comments

That is the question.

[teross50.livejournal.com]

You are so good with bringing sense to the profound,

Why can't we see...?

[starwyse.livejournal.com]

mostly because our eyes aren't really open. Or we're looking elsewhere.

[liquidfun.livejournal.com]

Far better put than I've ever been able to say it.

[wildnsquirrelly.livejournal.com]

In the army we such misunderstandings are referred to as cases of Intent vs. Impact.

It's lamentably easy to genuinely compliment a coworker on a nice new outfit, only to have them think that what you're really saying is that you want to bend them over in the file room the very next chance you get. Being in H.R., I'm sure you get incidents like these far more often than you'd like.

Personally, I know I've said something along the lines of "You're not going to do that again, are you?" While loads of sarcasm are implied, sometimes people just don't get that and end up being offended and inconsolable. I've found that in times like that the only thing I can constructively do is to leave them alone until they cool off, and possibly keep in mind that the individual I was speaking to either doesn't appreciate my making fun of something or might have simply been having a bad day.

Usually in situations like that things blow over once everyone's had a chance to either cool down or forget that there even was a problem.

Arg.

[wildnsquirrelly.livejournal.com]

My apologies for the legnthy comment. It would seem that I'd been paid a visit by the Ramble Fairy.

Re: Arg.

[kellan-m-solan.livejournal.com]

Oy, if that was rambling I'd hate to know how most of my comments rate! }-)

An interesting version

[crookedface.livejournal.com]

I've heard the Golden Rule restated, in what I believe to be a more useful fashion, as "Do unto others as they would have you do unto them." Couple that with the caveat that all the doing has to be acceptable to everybody involved, and I think it's a good lesson.

One of the problems with all such general rules is that the underlying suppositions are not always true. Take the maxim "The meaning of your communication is the response you get," indicating that the meaning you impart is only what the listener understands, so if the listener doesn't appear to understand you, your communication was ineffective.

Well, that's true to a point. There are times when a listener just doesn't care about what you mean, regardless of how many efforts you make to clarify your intent, and will refuse to do anything other than impart his/her own understanding, without possibility of change. There are times folks will simply choose to take offense or misunderstand without willingness to adjust their stance during further interaction.

It's not necessarily a conscious decision of "I'm gonna screw this person," either. I expect most of that type of behavior is not consciously decided. Mismatching, for example, is an unconscious process, and even after learning about it and figuring out that one is a mismatcher doesn't make it easy to ameliorate all the bad effects that stem from it. (I'm a "difference with same" kinda guy and still get into trouble at times because of it.)

Then there are the folks who are so thoroughly pre-conventional, locked into serving themselves most of the time, and incapable of understanding that their self-serving behavior is detrimental to those around them. It's not that they don't care--they're incapable of caring for others in anything more than the shallowest of fashions. They screw with others simply because they're so locked into serving themselves that others don't truly exist as peers, deserving of equal consideration.

The largest challenge for me is to hold the flame of compassion burning bright and shedding light and warmth on interactions with everybody so that I don't get flummoxed by the sparking circuitry of human interaction. I also fall into the trap of expecting a lot of folks to behave in a certain fashion and get all befuddled when they don't.

[cynthiaweb.livejournal.com]

Actually, I think there are plenty of people who don't care if what they do or fail to do ruins my life, your life, or the planet as long as they think what they are doing is to their benefit. Then there are others who only care to the extent I am useful to them in some way. It is important to distinguish these people from people who are making an effort not to leave a trail of devastation behind themselves. Sure, people with good intentions make mistakes. That does not mean all conflicts are reduced to just differing points of view or misunderstandings between people with good intentions.

[karinablack.livejournal.com]

My only presupposition to a solution is for people to be forthright and honest.

and we all know how far that goes.