It was an Atomic Mutant! (Part II)
Jul. 23rd, 2004 08:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
featherynscaleOnce upon a time, there was an Atomic Mutant that lived in my bedroom. It was roughly insectoid, but only roughly. It was perhaps best described by the question, "Is that ONE bug, or like, FIVE bugs fucking?". ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
triadruid squished it mercilessly, saving the day, and preventing me from sleeping on the couch for the rest of my life. Sadly, we did not think to capture it and study it in the name of science, and thought the opportunity lost to the ages.
Last night, upon arriving home from a showing of Spiderman II, which is another story (one which includes the phrase, "Sure, you can just dump a nuclear reactor in the river, it's New Jersey, nobody will even notice"), I had sleep on my mind. Hell, I'd been up much longer than I particularly wanted to be, and was already suffering from the odd hallucination, not to mention the film. So I drag ass to the bedroom, just in time to see the tail end of an Atomic Mutant wriggle into the sheets on the bed. Needless to say, I screamed.
I went for backup. "I thought I heard you screaming again," saidtriadruid.
"Again? You act like I scream all the time," I protested, knowing that I was wasting valuable time in capturing the creature, but nonetheless struggling to preserve my good name.
"No, I mean, if you're screaming, it's something significant," he said mildly.
"Seriously. There's another one of those five-bugs-fucking things in my room," I said.
kittenpants perked up. "There's a goatload of tupperware in the hall that I want to throw out. You should catch it."
So we descended nervously into the Pit, armed only with a small square tupperware bowl.triadruid looked around. I looked around. "I don't see anything," said he.
As he turned to me, I saw it skitter under the bed. "There!" I shouted, "Under the bed, right where your head is!"
"Gah!" He pulled back. "Go get a flashlight." Not wishing to be any closer to the beast than I had to, I did as requested. We spent some time on the ground, shining the flashlight under the bed, to no avail.
"All right," I said. "We're going to have to turn it up." He wrestled the mattress and boxspring to a standing position. Still no bug. The cat had done some damage to the underside of the box spring, however, and there were any number of holes it could have ducked into. We looked at each other, grimacing. The thin fabric cover was going to have to go.
"Got a knife?" I did, in fact, have a knife. It's a thing about me. It is a rare thing that I am far from a knife. I held it out to him. "Do you want to cut, or spot?" he asked.
"I've got the creeping horrors that you're going to slice that thing open, and there will be a million of them in there," I said.
"Okay then. I'll cut." He did, slicing the fabric neatly. "Here, hold the knife. I'm going to peek in." He pulled back the fabric, shining the light into the recesses of the box spring. Nothing moved. "See, there couldn't possibly be a million bugs in here." We peeled back the cover - nothing. "Are you sure you saw it?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I know the difference between a real bug and a hallucination-bug. If I'd imagined it, it would have been bigger. And it wouldn't have run *away*."
"Fair enough," he said, with a sigh. We kept searching. We turned over everything in the room. No bug.
"I'm not sleeping down here. What if it crawls on my face? What if it bites me, and I turn into an Atomic Mutant? Gah. I hate you, bug. You are a fuck." By this time, I was pretty upset.
"It's gone. We looked everywhere."
"It's hiding, waiting for me to sleep. I'm sleeping on the couch."
And so I did. And may again tonight. But if you are brave and bold, and want to hunt the Atomic Mutant, it's still out there. At this very moment, it is living in my space, terrorizing the spiders and recruiting pillbugs to its cause, promising them extra legs if they survive the transformation. Soon, it will have an army. And what then? I don't know, but to describe it... well, if you want to know the future, imagine a hairy, barbed leg, trailing out of the crack in the mattress...forever.
UPDATE: The Marines have declared the area free of Atomic Mutants... for now.
triadruid squished it mercilessly, saving the day, and preventing me from sleeping on the couch for the rest of my life. Sadly, we did not think to capture it and study it in the name of science, and thought the opportunity lost to the ages.Last night, upon arriving home from a showing of Spiderman II, which is another story (one which includes the phrase, "Sure, you can just dump a nuclear reactor in the river, it's New Jersey, nobody will even notice"), I had sleep on my mind. Hell, I'd been up much longer than I particularly wanted to be, and was already suffering from the odd hallucination, not to mention the film. So I drag ass to the bedroom, just in time to see the tail end of an Atomic Mutant wriggle into the sheets on the bed. Needless to say, I screamed.
I went for backup. "I thought I heard you screaming again," said
triadruid. "Again? You act like I scream all the time," I protested, knowing that I was wasting valuable time in capturing the creature, but nonetheless struggling to preserve my good name.
"No, I mean, if you're screaming, it's something significant," he said mildly.
"Seriously. There's another one of those five-bugs-fucking things in my room," I said.
kittenpants perked up. "There's a goatload of tupperware in the hall that I want to throw out. You should catch it."So we descended nervously into the Pit, armed only with a small square tupperware bowl.
triadruid looked around. I looked around. "I don't see anything," said he. As he turned to me, I saw it skitter under the bed. "There!" I shouted, "Under the bed, right where your head is!"
"Gah!" He pulled back. "Go get a flashlight." Not wishing to be any closer to the beast than I had to, I did as requested. We spent some time on the ground, shining the flashlight under the bed, to no avail.
"All right," I said. "We're going to have to turn it up." He wrestled the mattress and boxspring to a standing position. Still no bug. The cat had done some damage to the underside of the box spring, however, and there were any number of holes it could have ducked into. We looked at each other, grimacing. The thin fabric cover was going to have to go.
"Got a knife?" I did, in fact, have a knife. It's a thing about me. It is a rare thing that I am far from a knife. I held it out to him. "Do you want to cut, or spot?" he asked.
"I've got the creeping horrors that you're going to slice that thing open, and there will be a million of them in there," I said.
"Okay then. I'll cut." He did, slicing the fabric neatly. "Here, hold the knife. I'm going to peek in." He pulled back the fabric, shining the light into the recesses of the box spring. Nothing moved. "See, there couldn't possibly be a million bugs in here." We peeled back the cover - nothing. "Are you sure you saw it?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I know the difference between a real bug and a hallucination-bug. If I'd imagined it, it would have been bigger. And it wouldn't have run *away*."
"Fair enough," he said, with a sigh. We kept searching. We turned over everything in the room. No bug.
"I'm not sleeping down here. What if it crawls on my face? What if it bites me, and I turn into an Atomic Mutant? Gah. I hate you, bug. You are a fuck." By this time, I was pretty upset.
"It's gone. We looked everywhere."
"It's hiding, waiting for me to sleep. I'm sleeping on the couch."
And so I did. And may again tonight. But if you are brave and bold, and want to hunt the Atomic Mutant, it's still out there. At this very moment, it is living in my space, terrorizing the spiders and recruiting pillbugs to its cause, promising them extra legs if they survive the transformation. Soon, it will have an army. And what then? I don't know, but to describe it... well, if you want to know the future, imagine a hairy, barbed leg, trailing out of the crack in the mattress...forever.
UPDATE: The Marines have declared the area free of Atomic Mutants... for now.
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no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:09 am (UTC)You did get some sleep finally though, didn't you????
no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:13 am (UTC)If nothing else, I'd love to have that story to tell my grandkids. . .
no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:19 am (UTC)I'll bring my whip. I wonder if that's acceptable carry-on luggage?
no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:31 am (UTC)You should come out and see us again. We'll do something else utterly ridiculous in your honor. We were thinking about doing something with a Holy Grail theme, and if you're going to come with the fedora and the whip, you'll fit right in.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:40 am (UTC)I think I'll have to try to get my whip on there sometime. It's not like it's terribly useable in the crowded environment of an airplane, anyway, being 10' in length and all.
I'll have to plan a weekend in KC. I had a blast last time, and I was only there for what, 9 hours? I'll put "Adventure, beautiful women willing to share their beds, and atomic mutant bugs await me in Kansas City" as my reason for taking vacation. You know, give the guys in HR something to read.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 07:50 am (UTC)Foiled again
Date: 2004-07-23 07:46 am (UTC)Re: Foiled again
Date: 2004-07-23 07:50 am (UTC)Distance is an issue
Date: 2004-07-23 07:35 am (UTC)merlgh. *shivers*
Fun post too :)
Re: Distance is an issue
Date: 2004-07-23 07:38 am (UTC)I don't mind about normal bugs, and I can even sort of get over spiders, but these things have way, way too many legs.
I bet they have some very exciting insect life in Australia...
Re: Distance is an issue
Date: 2004-07-23 07:45 am (UTC)Like the one about the FunnelWeb Spider (kill you within 90 minutes and living under water for 3 days before dying) in the pool and swimming at night, or the nest of 500 wolf spiders hatching out my bedroom in true arachnophobia style, or er, the weird sucker mutant bugs that I only ever saw twice and they were in the bathroom.....
list goes on.. ;)
PSA
Date: 2004-07-23 10:17 am (UTC)That is all.
Re: PSA
Date: 2004-07-23 10:26 am (UTC)Re: PSA
Date: 2004-07-23 11:27 am (UTC)I have learned this language and no longer waste time asking "What?' I think the spiders have learned as well They only appear within close proxy of the front or back doors now So I can do the Buddhist thing and escort them to continued long life on the other side of our doors
Keep the digital camera at the ready so we might all see it when it reappears Yep I have been known to have morbid curiosity
Re: PSA
Date: 2004-07-23 11:30 am (UTC)Still, the rule is that if you are a spider and you are outside, you are in your own territory and I will not molest you. If you are a spider and you are inside, however, you are in my territory, I assume that you're there to bite my ass, and I will stomp you mercilessly.
Re: PSA
Date: 2004-07-23 11:39 am (UTC)Ass-Biting
Date: 2004-07-23 11:43 am (UTC)Re: Ass-Biting
Date: 2004-07-23 12:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-07-23 02:36 pm (UTC)pest repellers
Date: 2004-07-24 01:50 am (UTC)googled, just for you:
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http://www.smarthome.com/6119.html
http://www.overstock.com/cgi-bin/d2.cgi?PAGE=PROFRAME&PROD_ID=491337
http://www.bizrate.com/buy/products__cat_id--13011200,keyword--Pest%20Repeller.html
http://www.costco.com/Browse/Product.aspx?prodid=10042808&whse=&topnav=&cat=3309&hierPath=114*3309*
http://www.eco-pestcontrol.com/category_electronic.shtml?k=ultrasonicpest