featherynscale (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
featherynscale) wrote2004-07-23 08:32 am
featherynscale) wrote2004-07-23 08:32 am
It was an Atomic Mutant! (Part II)
Once upon a time, there was an Atomic Mutant that lived in my bedroom. It was roughly insectoid, but only roughly. It was perhaps best described by the question, "Is that ONE bug, or like, FIVE bugs fucking?". ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
triadruid squished it mercilessly, saving the day, and preventing me from sleeping on the couch for the rest of my life. Sadly, we did not think to capture it and study it in the name of science, and thought the opportunity lost to the ages.
Last night, upon arriving home from a showing of Spiderman II, which is another story (one which includes the phrase, "Sure, you can just dump a nuclear reactor in the river, it's New Jersey, nobody will even notice"), I had sleep on my mind. Hell, I'd been up much longer than I particularly wanted to be, and was already suffering from the odd hallucination, not to mention the film. So I drag ass to the bedroom, just in time to see the tail end of an Atomic Mutant wriggle into the sheets on the bed. Needless to say, I screamed.
I went for backup. "I thought I heard you screaming again," saidtriadruid.
"Again? You act like I scream all the time," I protested, knowing that I was wasting valuable time in capturing the creature, but nonetheless struggling to preserve my good name.
"No, I mean, if you're screaming, it's something significant," he said mildly.
"Seriously. There's another one of those five-bugs-fucking things in my room," I said.
kittenpants perked up. "There's a goatload of tupperware in the hall that I want to throw out. You should catch it."
So we descended nervously into the Pit, armed only with a small square tupperware bowl.triadruid looked around. I looked around. "I don't see anything," said he.
As he turned to me, I saw it skitter under the bed. "There!" I shouted, "Under the bed, right where your head is!"
"Gah!" He pulled back. "Go get a flashlight." Not wishing to be any closer to the beast than I had to, I did as requested. We spent some time on the ground, shining the flashlight under the bed, to no avail.
"All right," I said. "We're going to have to turn it up." He wrestled the mattress and boxspring to a standing position. Still no bug. The cat had done some damage to the underside of the box spring, however, and there were any number of holes it could have ducked into. We looked at each other, grimacing. The thin fabric cover was going to have to go.
"Got a knife?" I did, in fact, have a knife. It's a thing about me. It is a rare thing that I am far from a knife. I held it out to him. "Do you want to cut, or spot?" he asked.
"I've got the creeping horrors that you're going to slice that thing open, and there will be a million of them in there," I said.
"Okay then. I'll cut." He did, slicing the fabric neatly. "Here, hold the knife. I'm going to peek in." He pulled back the fabric, shining the light into the recesses of the box spring. Nothing moved. "See, there couldn't possibly be a million bugs in here." We peeled back the cover - nothing. "Are you sure you saw it?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I know the difference between a real bug and a hallucination-bug. If I'd imagined it, it would have been bigger. And it wouldn't have run *away*."
"Fair enough," he said, with a sigh. We kept searching. We turned over everything in the room. No bug.
"I'm not sleeping down here. What if it crawls on my face? What if it bites me, and I turn into an Atomic Mutant? Gah. I hate you, bug. You are a fuck." By this time, I was pretty upset.
"It's gone. We looked everywhere."
"It's hiding, waiting for me to sleep. I'm sleeping on the couch."
And so I did. And may again tonight. But if you are brave and bold, and want to hunt the Atomic Mutant, it's still out there. At this very moment, it is living in my space, terrorizing the spiders and recruiting pillbugs to its cause, promising them extra legs if they survive the transformation. Soon, it will have an army. And what then? I don't know, but to describe it... well, if you want to know the future, imagine a hairy, barbed leg, trailing out of the crack in the mattress...forever.
UPDATE: The Marines have declared the area free of Atomic Mutants... for now.
triadruid squished it mercilessly, saving the day, and preventing me from sleeping on the couch for the rest of my life. Sadly, we did not think to capture it and study it in the name of science, and thought the opportunity lost to the ages.Last night, upon arriving home from a showing of Spiderman II, which is another story (one which includes the phrase, "Sure, you can just dump a nuclear reactor in the river, it's New Jersey, nobody will even notice"), I had sleep on my mind. Hell, I'd been up much longer than I particularly wanted to be, and was already suffering from the odd hallucination, not to mention the film. So I drag ass to the bedroom, just in time to see the tail end of an Atomic Mutant wriggle into the sheets on the bed. Needless to say, I screamed.
I went for backup. "I thought I heard you screaming again," said
triadruid. "Again? You act like I scream all the time," I protested, knowing that I was wasting valuable time in capturing the creature, but nonetheless struggling to preserve my good name.
"No, I mean, if you're screaming, it's something significant," he said mildly.
"Seriously. There's another one of those five-bugs-fucking things in my room," I said.
kittenpants perked up. "There's a goatload of tupperware in the hall that I want to throw out. You should catch it."So we descended nervously into the Pit, armed only with a small square tupperware bowl.
triadruid looked around. I looked around. "I don't see anything," said he. As he turned to me, I saw it skitter under the bed. "There!" I shouted, "Under the bed, right where your head is!"
"Gah!" He pulled back. "Go get a flashlight." Not wishing to be any closer to the beast than I had to, I did as requested. We spent some time on the ground, shining the flashlight under the bed, to no avail.
"All right," I said. "We're going to have to turn it up." He wrestled the mattress and boxspring to a standing position. Still no bug. The cat had done some damage to the underside of the box spring, however, and there were any number of holes it could have ducked into. We looked at each other, grimacing. The thin fabric cover was going to have to go.
"Got a knife?" I did, in fact, have a knife. It's a thing about me. It is a rare thing that I am far from a knife. I held it out to him. "Do you want to cut, or spot?" he asked.
"I've got the creeping horrors that you're going to slice that thing open, and there will be a million of them in there," I said.
"Okay then. I'll cut." He did, slicing the fabric neatly. "Here, hold the knife. I'm going to peek in." He pulled back the fabric, shining the light into the recesses of the box spring. Nothing moved. "See, there couldn't possibly be a million bugs in here." We peeled back the cover - nothing. "Are you sure you saw it?"
"Yes, I'm sure. I know the difference between a real bug and a hallucination-bug. If I'd imagined it, it would have been bigger. And it wouldn't have run *away*."
"Fair enough," he said, with a sigh. We kept searching. We turned over everything in the room. No bug.
"I'm not sleeping down here. What if it crawls on my face? What if it bites me, and I turn into an Atomic Mutant? Gah. I hate you, bug. You are a fuck." By this time, I was pretty upset.
"It's gone. We looked everywhere."
"It's hiding, waiting for me to sleep. I'm sleeping on the couch."
And so I did. And may again tonight. But if you are brave and bold, and want to hunt the Atomic Mutant, it's still out there. At this very moment, it is living in my space, terrorizing the spiders and recruiting pillbugs to its cause, promising them extra legs if they survive the transformation. Soon, it will have an army. And what then? I don't know, but to describe it... well, if you want to know the future, imagine a hairy, barbed leg, trailing out of the crack in the mattress...forever.
UPDATE: The Marines have declared the area free of Atomic Mutants... for now.